Setback

Setback was the name of a card game popular at my university. I never learned how to play because every time I tried, it was during a party and I was drunk.

I’m having a setback of a different sort right now. My toe is broken, though not badly, and that’s forced me into inactivity. I have the go-ahead to run as long as I can do it without pain, but even putting my socks on this weekend was uncomfortable, and I could tell that the shoes would give me grief if I started running. I spent the weekend reading.

And eating.

I did put the scale away — damn thing tried to kill me, after all — so at least I can’t obsess about the day-to-day changes this is wreaking on me. But I’m still prone to spiraling self-loathing.

Indeed, for a few nights last week, I did the binge-and-purge. I’m not proud of it. Typically, that doesn’t happen when I stick to vegan eating; of course, I wasn’t sticking to vegan eating. We had a couple of going-away ice-cream socials, and rather than just sit with my colleagues, I had multiple bowls of ice cream. And I was bringing them back up in the restroom. Once you’ve broken the seal, so to speak, it makes the next binge-and-purge cycle easier.

Several things are happening. First, I’m frustrated because the weight’s not coming off as fast as I’d like. Even though I know rationally that a) I’m now in pre-menopause, so it’s not going to come off as fast as it used to; b) I’m not doing nearly as much cardio as I was doing last year when I lost 30 pounds like nothing (yes, even with the marathon training); and c) I’m strength training, which is both adding mass and building a foundation for weight loss down the road. One solution for this was to ride my bike to work, which worked great until I ran over a nail. Now the bike’s at the shop for a new tire and a tuneup, and due to a service backup, won’t be ready for another week and a half.

Second, I broke my damn toe.

Third, and probably most immediately important, I’m pre-menopausal. This is giving me some doozies in the hormone-fluctuation department. My tits have never been so swollen, and I’m bloated and uncomfortable as all hell. I feel like crap, I’m craving carbs, and I’m emotional in all kinds of bad ways. It’s like a perfect storm of FUBAR.

Luckily, my period came today, so I’ve gotten some immediate relief from the hormone anxiety. I no longer feel nearly as ennervated, and stuffing myself no longer seems like a valid idea. I still can’t run, though, and since I didn’t get enough sleep last night, I didn’t make it to the gym this morning.

I’ve also decided I’m going to try a kind of modified paleo-type diet. I’ve already largely ditched sugar, and now I’m going to focus on protein and fruits and vegetables. Haven’t decided whether to back off grains entirely, but I’ll get myself some eggs and see how that works out in the morning next week (this week it’s oatmeal, since I had that. Weekends, which is when I do my long runs, I can have more carbs. We’ll see how sustainable this is; I once tried Atkins and hated every minute of it. I felt greasy, and when I found myself standing in a health-food store looking at potassium supplements to prevent the wobbly feeling I’d developed in my legs, I said to myself, “Or I could just have a fucking banana,” and that was that. But maybe a high-protein (including fish and poultry/eggs), low-fat, carbs-from-fruits-and-veg sort of thing will be more liveable. It’ll certainly give me the kick in the pants I need to start making pretty salads in jars.